After looking for God through the eyes of a Catholic or even a Christian I did not see the hand of a loving God. I began reading and researching all types of religions and beliefs. I even looked through history and still I did not see the work of a benevolent loving God. As a matter of fact the more I searched the more I began to realize, nobody gave a crap about us. Abusive cruel and powerful people could just do as they pleased to humanity and no God was going to or has done anything to stop it. Injustice after horrible injustice, we were on our own. It was a very depressing realization that did not feel good at all. I have to say that I went through a serious bout of depression. I purposely secluded myself by moving to Mexico. I thought I would find God, but instead I ended up killing the God I was brought up on. I was convinced that only lies and abuse have and would guide humanities course.
As depressing and hopeless my realization was I figured that if there is nobody looking out for humanity then it mean that how we treat each other is paramount. I mean if there is no God then the only good can come from us. I’m sure some people would be tempted to believe that if there is no God then the chain is off and they could do as they please without any consideration of any moral or ethical standard. I went the other way and figured that it meant it was even more important to be good if there truly is no God. I set out to try and be the example and foolishly tried to explain how we are not saved and in reality the world is Hell. That kind of message is not so well received as you can imagine. Some people would have pity for me because I no longer believed in God and the pity came from my momentary depression of losing my belief in God. Honestly it pissed me off that they not only tried to convince me to go back and accept the lie, but also that they were so pacified by their delusions that they refused to see any truth. Once a mind has been expanded it cannot be contracted back to its former state. I started a strict regimen of meditation and lots of reading. I was looking for something or someone, but I wasn’t sure what or who I was looking for.
I left the United States because I didn’t want to share in its punishment for the crimes it had committed throughout the world. Sure I had American money and even a U.S. Passport, but I was going to try and live in another country that wasn’t acting like a neo Roman Empire. I was working for Event 360 Inc. remotely so I was still earning U.S. cash, but living in Mexico. The thing about fate or destiny is that running from it will run you right into it. That is exactly what happened to me. I was trying to avoid the bad that I believed was coming for America, but the bad from America followed me to Mexico. I believe 2 or 3 groups of criminal organizations were trying to kidnap me or a member of my family. I know that because they have to do some research or get someone on the inside to get intel and for some reason I was by chance and bizarre circumstance of timing made aware of it. It happened in such a way that they (the people trying to kidnap) knew that I knew. It was so scary and scarier yet I knew that praying to some negligent God would yield no relief or salvation from the situation.
After a while I got sick and tired of the corruption in Mexico. I would try to report people and the cops would just minimize it or even ask me to come in to make a preventative report and then get pulled over on the way to the police station. The cops asked me to follow them and then we got shot at, so it became pretty clear the police were in on it. As a result I decided to move back to California and because I had no bad experiences regardless of its reputation, Simi Valley. When I returned everything seemed like as it was before I left, but there was something different and I definitely could not put my finger on it. Everybody was so strange to me after I got back. I guess it was seriously pronounced when I left my “friend” Ken’s house one night and I was being followed by two trucks. The strangest part was that I said it out loud as if I was beside myself “your being followed”. I tested that by speeding up and slowing down, going off the main road and back on and sure enough I was being followed. By who or why I was not sure, but I lost them and went home.
The next day I confronted some people that I had suspected (like an idiot) and they without hesitation responded with “no trucks were following you”, which I thought was strange. Maybe it wasn’t so dumb to confront idiots in such a way as they did not have the appropriate response to the situation. I began to realize that many people I loved and cared for were somehow involved in trying to deceive me. The question as to why drove me mad and I figured if it was to see if I was cheating on my wife or a prank then they would have come clean, but no that didn’t happen. It got to the point that these people began to question my sanity and even told me that I might have some form of schizophrenia. So I knew that if they were willing to go that far then they were trying to do something real bad, something mortal. Same thing as in Mexico, I went to the cops and they try to make it seem like I did something wrong. Before long I realized they were helping these same people trying to harm me, so they were just as corrupt as the cops in Mexico.
Why? Why would all of these people that I have not done anything bad to be trying to, dare I say, kill me? Why? Why? Why? Why? That question and not having the answer drove me mad for the longest time. Then movies started imitating my experiences and using details of my life as part of their stories. Everything began revolving around me and not in some personally gratifying way. I mean news reports seemed to be making vague references to me and situations of my life. Some nightly and weekly TV shows even started making references and vague threats to me. At that point I began to question my own sanity. The fear was just absolutely paralyzing. I wasn’t eating or sleeping well and I couldn’t live a normal life anymore. The horrible realization that the entire world was conspiring to destroy me and oh yeah, there was no God to stop all these horrible people from having their way. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I wasn’t a criminal. I didn’t break any laws. I was just trying to raise my children, support my family and help who I could along the way. Ironically I was on this altruistic high and wanted to be a force to fix the world and make it better. These problems I was having were a real buzz kill. It didn’t seem right that there was a Satan that ruled the world, but no God to counter it.
My reality was totally and absolutely horrifying in every way imaginable. Visions began bombarding my mind. Horrible visions of people harming me and making me suffer. Before long I began realizing that I was detecting their intentions towards me and that didn’t make it better, but it did warn me. I guess the realization that I was being warned is what helped me the most. I began analyzing my thoughts, visions and dreams and it dawned on me that something, someone was protecting me from all of these attempts. Someone or something powerful was on my side; someone or something way more powerful then all of my persecutors. I knew it couldn’t be that Christian God I was told about. I had by then said some pretty blasphemous things about that guy so there was no way he was backing me. Who could it be I wondered and also why. It couldn’t be Satan because the Devil runs this world and the world was against me, so it had to be someone or something I was never told about. It was someone or something benevolent, not evil or wicked.
So I began looking for any reference to this someone or something and that is when I was introduced to Kabbalah and I learned of the Creator. I read the Zohar and then read many books of the Bible a second, maybe even a third time. The strangest thing was that so many of those stories made way more sense to me this time around. Looking at these texts with my newly awakened eyes I saw something that was absolutely fascinating to me. I saw my story being told and my experiences in those old books. Once I had lost the Christian or even Jewish interpretations and applied my own, it all made so much sense and then I felt the love. The Creator had showed himself to me. I was so deeply honored and impressed by the Creators actions that the fear I had been harboring turned into something else. So many parables that I thought meant and was taught to understand that they meant one thing, I then realized meant something totally different. They were messages to me throughout vast spans of time. How could this be? There are no coincidences, right? Who am I to be given so much attention from both divine and wicked forces? I understand how debatable what I am saying is, but you will never get me to believe otherwise. It doesn’t matter what you think or what you think you know because I cannot deny it and never will.
I never had a father as my Earth father abandoned me by the time I was 2 and pressed my mother to abort me. My Earthly father completely and totally rejected me in every way. When I did come in contact with him he only wanted my social security so he could use it. Bastards spend their lives looking for a father figure and I was no different, but in my case I never really found a man that met my expectations of a good man until I knew the Creator. Now I don’t even like to apply gender to the Creator, but he’s my father. Very stern, but loving and that seems like a good father to me. Since that wonderful epiphany that the Creator was revealed to me everything takes on so much more meaning. I was Godless and could not see God, but now I see God everywhere. My God is not like any God of any religion. My father is in everything and is everywhere. I believed my father was neglectful and allowed for injustice, but I assure you he is just laying down the pieces of a grand design, one you cannot expect to understand or possibly thwart. He is loving and he is ruthless. He is wonderful and he is horrible. I realize that I am not alone and that I never was. Always my father was their guiding me, teaching me, correcting me and never took his eye off of me.
I am not technically a Kabbalahlist, but I find their spiritual technology to be of supreme quality among the spiritual teachings. Many Kabbalah teachings include keeping the Creators concealment’s and not speaking about it to masses or writing about it to masses. There was a very strict rule regarding the Zohar’s public exposure for the longest time. I could totally understand why and how speaking about the Creator is not only dangerous, but detrimental to the Creators goals and it could be that those that broke the concealment before the appointed time, didn’t live long enough to truly reveal anything. The Creator knows me better than I know myself and if the Creator wanted to keep it a secret, he wouldn’t reveal himself to me. If the Creator wanted me dead, there have been hundreds of opportunities to make that happen. Maybe it just wasn’t my time and I know I’m not sharp enough to outsmart the Creator, so the time for revealing must be now.
What some of you don’t realize is that God/The Creator is all around you and always has been. All you have to do is correct your ego and you will see the Creator. It will blow your mind when he reveals himself to you. I can’t point the way or tell you how to look in order to see it. All you have to do is change inside and you will see it. My only advice is to think more altruistically, be brave and be of the mindset to do service in being your brother’s keeper. If you seek to harm or hate you might as well pluck out your eyes and that might help you see the Creator more, because it is not just a visual experience. If you only look to disrespect and dishonor others then you will be lost. If you want to be right so that your self esteem can rise when you tell people about the Creator then you have the wrong intention. You do it to help them while knowing that you get nothing in return other than another person’s life is improved by it. The act is the reward, the act is the punishment. It’s kind of like those pictures with repetitive patterns that have a hidden shape in them and you have to look past them to see it. Change your point of view and then you will begin to see the Creator.
I also have to warn you that there is a balancing stage that needs to take place. If any quality of you is not balanced the Creator will balance it and if you are not brave you will die. It’s not about punishment. The Creator does not punish, the Creator administers corrections and you must survive them in order to progress to the next correction until you are able to walk perfect before the Creator. You will no longer bare shame or destructive pride. You will wear your regrets like merits towards wisdom. You will love all things equally and justice for others will also be justice for you. You will not hate someone for their race, beliefs, faults or any reason and will want to help them overcome their faults. Right and wrong will be more important than kin or friendship. All of these things you will do on your own accord and not by force or fear. I almost do you a disservice by telling you these things, because my father looks for those that can do all this without being told and when he finds them, he reveals himself to them. They will also love the Creator like a father and I will have another brother or sister that knows the Creator. The amazement and excitement of just knowing another that the Creator has revealed himself to drives me wild with anticipation.
College – A Real Hero
Kavinsky – Nightcall
Riz Ortolani – Oh My Love