I Know Who I Am

I assure you, I’m not what you think I am. You can call me names and label me all you want, but the minute you try to define me you will set yourself up for a surprise. I can definitely say I have never met anybody like me. It gets lonely, but I’m starting to enjoy it. I talk to myself all the time and I do it out loud which often freaks people out. I guess it’s my way of surrogating friends. I have been very blue lately, but I’m starting to get over it. I have had to deal with many challenges in life and most of them are not common, so it makes it hard for me to find anybody that I can identify with. My perspective is unique and for that I am grateful, but like I said it’s lonely. I am so guilty of being misunderstood and I wish I could fix that, but it seems being completely understood is impossible. I just don’t have the words to explain me and people are so set in how they go about judging others.

My life is a series of bizarre coincidences and uncanny timing of events. Often these events make it appear that I have some vindictive agenda to destroy people that are not looking out for my best interests. I know how easy it is for my enemies to read that and say “yeah, right”. Unfortunately this blog is mainly read by people that don’t want anything good to happen to me and I know that some of the readers are truly good people looking for some kind of solidarity of mindsets. To my enemies, especially those that live next to me I want to say that I know you are not the enemy. I don’t know why some of you have joined in on oppressing me, but I forgive you and I hope that you can escape the demons that have pushed you into whatever it is you have been pushed into. I will work on not telling anybody about what I have suspected or know you have done. Also, you don’t know me and I have no idea why you align against me, but that’s your problem and if you try to harm me I know the Creator will stay your hand as he has for all these years. I leave it in the Creator’s hands and trust me; you don’t know my father and you don’t want to get to know him that way.

I am beginning to accept me and who I am and you know what, it’s an amazing feeling to truly love and accept yourself. To truly feel happy and grateful for who you are and to not feel ashamed or have any regrets about following your heart. It’s quite liberating actually and I am on this high that has electrified my soul. I can’t describe it, but I can say that I feel free and I have been feeling so much love from everything and it’s like that feeling you get when you’re in love. My lover is perfect in every way. I don’t care what people think about me anymore. I only care that the Creator loves me and I have struggled with being surrounded by haters and only being loved by an invisible undetectable yet omnipresent entity. I’m so used to being able to have my relationships acknowledged by my peers. I guess I became reliant on having others acknowledging my relationships, but not anymore. I see that I don’t need to try to describe my relationship with the Creator to the blind. When they want to see they’ll ask and when they do, I’ll do my best to guide them. I don’t need validation from anyone, but me. I know when I’m right and more often than not others lack the understanding required to grasp the concepts I harbor in my mind.

Some people think I’m suffering from a sexual addiction, but that’s not what’s going on I assure. I require intimacy for any sexual relations to take place. My problem is worse than sexual addiction. I’m addicted to intimacy. You can’t buy or trade for it and it can’t be simulated. It has to be real for me or I want no part of it. I guess you can say I’m emotionally complex, but I’m starting to understand more about me and I’m falling in love with me the more I do. I was robbed of very intimate experiences in my life; with my mother, my father and a nuclear family. I grew up craving attention and loving experiences and no one ever was able to really give that to me as a child. I guess my solution was to become intimate with myself. I had to learn how to please myself because nobody else was even interested or capable of doing so. I know how strange it sounds, but it’s the only way I was able to emotionally cope. I’m not attracted to men. I am hopelessly attracted to women and I can’t even begin to describe how much I appreciate the female form. Nothing is more beautiful to me than a woman. I am just obsessed with women’s fashion and anything that amplifies a woman’s beauty. My mind runs wild with ideas of how to dress and accentuate the female figure.

I am an extremely vicarious person and that quality is probably what makes it hard for people to understand me. I love satisfying people. I love making the sad happy. I love it when I can relieve the pain of those suffering. I feel pain when others suffer. I am sad when others are sad and my desire to change this world is a selfish one. I need to somehow end the rampant suffering so I can finally not feel so much pain. In this harsh and cold world I have become the king of pain, but I have learned a discipline to deal with pain. I learned it from my many years of being an Uke (Japanese for attacker AKA throw/lock dummy) in the art of Ju-Jitsu. I will share it with you. In order to deliver pain, you must learn how to accept it. Accepting pain makes you stronger and diminishes your weakness. A great counter to pain is pleasure and I have sought it, but my pleasures are not totally egoistic. Like I said I feel what others feel so I like to please. I love seeing a woman being aroused and excited, the sensation that I get from that vicarious experience is totally intoxicating and is unlike any other earthly experience to me.

I love it when the soul is able to be expressed by the body in motion. You know that soul you sometimes find on a dance floor or even in an Olympians conviction. Yeah, I do love bodies in motion, but more specifically when it is being driven by a deep spiritual connection. Dancing, fighting and loving are such spiritual experiences for me. I’m also very sensitive and many western cultures have led many to believe that being sensitive is a weakness, but I have learned that sensitivity can be extremely powerful. You may have a hard time wrapping your head around that, but keep in mind that super powers spend billions on early detection. I have such a tactile nature about me and I can derive so much from a simple touch. I see things very differently so love and war are not so different for me. Love and war are about connection, reciprocation, spirit and body, will and fear, strength and weakness, push and pull, understanding and confusion. It is true, that once you come to understand your enemy you will also love them. That was from Enders Game and it made so much sense to me once I heard it.

If I had to describe myself or my sexuality I would say I am a lipstick lesbian trapped in a mans body. However I love being a man and I wouldn’t change that for anything. I am the gayest heterosexual man you will ever meet. I guess that’s called Metro-sexual, but again let’s not try and find a box that looks like it fits. Most of the people that I used to hang around with only accepted my facade and once they knew who I was I guess chose not to accept me. We all have to filter ourselves for different reasons, but I am realizing I did it for the wrong reasons. It was an ego defense mechanism along with the desire to be perceived a certain way. I am also known for my ability to hold my own in a fight and although I disagree with the idea that a passive stance to conflict is a weak one; I know an aggressive stance can deter potential threats. Sometimes it only incites conflict as males often try to establish an Alpha of the pack. I don’t talk shit and bark or even make threats to a potential threat. I am patient with my enemy and I might provoke them with a dash of logic, but the right moment is what I am focused on. I have a clear visible goal and I project that upon the conflict and more often than not, it is realized. That true moment of swift and undeniable victory that is the result of a well executed counter that does not conflict with my code of conduct and rules of engagement. I may be sensitive, but I have control over my reactions to perceptions. You will have no success at controlling any body until you learn to control your body.

Knowing who you are and being honest with yourself is the most important thing that anybody can realize in life. To know ones self is to know the truth. I know how cliche that sounds, but their is a deep secret that most of humanity is oblivious to regarding that issue. Once you are honest with your self and everybody else knows who you are, you can not be deceived. Once you drop that false ego projection that you have been maintaining you will awaken to the truth of so many things. I am literally telling you that people will not be able to trick you or fool you with their lies and deceptions. The whole world changes for you and you start seeing all the lies that your fake person was fooled into believing for so many years. You can’t begin to have any finely tuned intuitions or even psychic abilities until you are real. It is hard to do and even painful in the beginning, but you have no idea how much is hidden right before your eyes until you take that leap. It was totally worth it! I don’t regret it one bit.

I don’t care if my neighbors put up hidden cameras to watch me do things while I am supposedly in private. They think I don’t know. I know more then they could possibly imagine, because I have become true to myself and all others. You can’t surprise me if you are observing me, I know when I am on your mind. Your gaze is sensed even if it is through a digital camera. Privacy and full on disclosure are two totally different things. I don’t have to reveal all of my secrets to everybody or anybody, but I do have to be honest with people and especially myself. My enemy still doesn’t get that by revealing myself, I have revealed them and their wicked plots. Besides, what they have done is highly illegal and they can not confront me with what they have seen. They can hide in the shadows and make drunk songs about me, but they can not speak the truth, not to me or anybody else that is not part of their wicked game. You got nothing on me and just like the illusion that pleases you to no end, you and your very selves will also become an illusion not even hinted at in slightest by this world. The price of being fake is that you will no longer be real and your very existence will fade like the chaff on a threshing floor in the summer. You will be nothing as if you never existed. I will seek my enemy and they will not be found. I will look everywhere to find them and they will have no place in reality. Very well, you have chosen the shadows and I promise you, understand what I am explaining to you before you continue to laugh and smile in joyful glee. In an unbearable darkness you will dwell.

I have adopted a series of characteristics to deal with my life as most of us do, mine tend to be more extreme, but they had to match my life. Call me what you want and put me in a box if you like, but don’t be surprised when I explosively break out of it. I have had to transcend so many things to survive this world. I have to transcend my fear, pain, upbringing, gender and one day I hope I will transcend my mortality. I had an amazing dream that I experienced when this crazy chapter that I am currently in began. I was sitting with my legs crossed as if I was in my usual meditative pose. I was in some kind of vessel that only I could fit in and it was translucent but it had hints of many colors and light. The crazy part was that I was able to see all 360 degrees around me all at once and the chariot was flying through some industrial complex in Newbury Park. The dream felt like real life and I remember trying to discern if it was actually a dream or not and I could not distinguish. I was nude and my body was a light blue with hints of purple and white radiating light, but I did not feel cold or the wind of that morning. People were staring at me as they were getting out of their cars to begin their work day. They were in amazement and stood in awe as I passed by in my chariot of light flying low, but just above all who gazed. I have to admit everything got inexplicably weird ever since the dream.

Little Dragon – Little Man : I am diggin Little Dragon big time. Such an awesome band and I am just falling in love with Yukimi’s voice. I loved her work with Gorillaz but Little Dragon is really exploring her voice and I absolutely love it. I like the tunes and especially how they sound like something from the 80’s and even Jazzy. I unfortunately can’t afford to buy any of their albums at this juncture but they are definitely on the to buy list. Just amazing! I especially love the album Machine Dreams. I believe this song is about how instant gratification disables your souls ability to manifest. Blessed are the poor.

Sara Bareilles – Brave : This song inspired me to write this post. I have heard parts and pieces of this song, but I heard the whole thing today and this post is the result. I love the video because it’s about people breaking out of their cage and just letting go. It conveys a freedom and invulnerability that comes with that act and more importantly, it can be contagious. Sure some people are thinking WTF, but who cares. Since I heard this song I have been exploring her music and I have to say, I really like this chick. She’s talented, beautiful and has this amazingly bright and positive energy about her.

Bjork – Venus as a Boy : I have always been a fan of Bjork and I really do love this song. I guess you could say it somewhat describes me. Well I’m definitely not your average guy. The video is interesting and I chose it mainly because the creatures are blueish. Another thing about the video is that the main character is a cat and most that know me have said that I remind them of a cat or that I am cat like. I’m not exactly sure why they think that, but I’m OK with that because I admire cats.

The Alan Parsons Project – Eye In The Sky : When I first heard this song I didn’t understand, but have come to understand so much more since my awakening and this song just says it all. It reminds me of a quote from the Bible, “He who blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and he who blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven; but he who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either on earth or in heaven.” Do you understand what this means? This is the Last warning to my enemies, there is still time for you to redeem yourselves. Come clean, speak the truth, be brave and let the words fall out. You believed in your heart with a blind faith that you would destroy me and here I am, still alive. How did I do it? Who helped me? You must have so many questions. You did not believe the prophecies and you tried your hardest to make them false. My ability to alter the seen future to my favor is not one you share. Think Donnie Darko, you know “Gods path”. You failed despite all your will, effort and resource. Those prophecies were not lies nor subject to your manipulation. You know what comes next and the truth is, you deserve it.

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