Why I’m Blue

I find the universe likes to play with opposites and is ripe with irony. I had a pretty normal life up until about 8 years old. I left the States and went to Guatemala for about a year. I came back to Cali and began living in Fontana with my mother. My father was gone by the time I was 2 so I didn’t even miss him. My mother began selling drugs and using them. Eventually she was jailed for several years. I was always poor so I always slept on the floor in the living room. I had the biggest TV and kitchen in my room so I really wasn’t complaining that much. While my mother was locked up I lived under foot with my grandparents. They were pretty strict Latino Catholic Republicans that came from rich white families, but ours had no money. My father was a mix of native Guatemalan, African and French. My mother was Dutch, Syrian and Scottish. It took the whole world to make me. Everybody thinks I’m Armenian, but I identify more with Latino’s in looks, but in life I identify with nobody. Moms in Jail, grandparents hated my dad (they were kind of racist) so they didn’t overwhelmingly love me, but in their own way they did. I started hanging out with gangs, doing drugs and becoming a mean little bastard.

Angry with life and hating the world I raised myself to take what I needed because nobody was going to give it to me. I taught myself that the world was mine and I had to take it because nobody gave a shit about me. I had a hotel room not a home to live in and I literally raised myself. Not even when my mother got out did I listen or follow her instruction. Her authority had been lost and any chance of her ever having a valid thought in my mind. I said fuck everything, everyone, especially the world. All those spoiled brats running around with their parents wiping their asses. Bunch of idiots for believing they can depend on anybody. Their hearts will be crushed harder than mine. My heart is a void filled with reality while theirs is filled with the promise of loss and decaying corpses. I was not like any of them and it would always be me and them. They, you, are different from me I promise you that. I don’t need you or your love and I never had it so I will not miss it. I turned off my emotions completely and saw everyone as prey. They were dark times and on several occasions I almost died all before the age of 14.

I got kicked out of my grandparents and started living with the guy that my mom didn’t rat out and went to jail for, also her boyfriend. His name was Leonard Cruz and he was one hell of a character. He started Cherry St in Pomona and for you who don’t know that is a big ass gang of Mexicans. He had a cage around his leg (it was shattered in pieces) because he had been shot 5 times for trying to rob a bank. He had spent 28 of his 53 years in prison and was a golden gloves boxer. He was a fucking asshole and a well seasoned criminal (you have no idea). That was my first teacher of life. He taught me about the street and pretty much sounded like Carlito from Carlito’s way. That movie blew me away because of how much that character reminded me of Leonard. His biggest claim to fame is that he was in cell next to Charles Manson. He taught me what he believed I needed to know to get by in life. He taught me how to box, steal, break, kill, punk, scam, wield, drink, smoke and walk. Leonard was my first interactive father figure. I loved my grandfather, but he didn’t do anything with me, he told me all kinds of shit, but didn’t really do much with me. Then my mom got out and they got all strung out on smack and they would go back and forth to jail. I would steel things and sale them just to feed my little brother and myself. When your parents are on smack you don’t matter. “mom, I’m hungry” is replied with “leave me the fuck alone (slam, door closes)”. I have probably been in about 70 fights, been shot at like 3 times, almost stabbed, hit by a car and jumped like at least 8 times. I wasn’t ever a bully; I always fought the guy starting shit and was bigger than me. Leonard taught me that if you want respect you have to take out the big guy on the yard. I have definitely slew a few giants in my day.

Why not kill myself it would be so much easier, but then I won’t get to show them what I can do. So I stuck around and eventually my grandparents notice I am getting thin and into too much trouble. I myself didn’t expect to make it to 18 so you think I’m concerned about school or so called civil society? I didn’t want to live much longer. I was done at 15. I could have died and would have felt relief that this world was over. They moved me to Thousand Oaks and I began going to Newbury Park High School. It was like Disneyland to me. I looked around and saw all these babies still sucking their thumbs and depending on their parents every instruction. You can take da boy out da ghetto but you can’t get da ghetto out da boy. I started hanging out with the gang element of these parts and it was stupid, but I was just looking for the group I identified with most. After some time I got locked up for throwing a knife at a kid (they were his knives) and he got stabbed in the neck and almost died. I got locked up for 6 months. This is where this story takes a big turn as I began realizing that my anger and hate towards the world was making it worse. I got counseling and the counselors pretty much couldn’t believe my story, but were grateful I shared. They took great interest in me because they could see I had the intellect to understand many things, but none of the foundations or motivations to do anything with my intellect.

I got out and stopped hanging out with gang members, doing so many drugs, being violent and admitted to my girlfriend I cheated on her before I got locked up. This kind of sucked for her because she waited all summer for me and if she had known that probably would have gone and screwed all kinds of guys while I was locked up. I began attending regular counseling and it helped, but It bothered me that the people trying to understand me had no way in hell to understand where I was coming from. I eventually became a peer counselor, dedicated myself to school and practiced Ju-Jitsu until my soul was content. Eventually I got the “I Care How They Feel Award” for my efforts in counseling people. The truth is that helping people was therapeutic. I began healing and loving and living. For the first time in my life I saw and believed in a future that wasn’t cold or cruel. I graduated high school did some college and eventually became a programmer. I dropped out of college because I got kicked out of my house (not for being bad more for taking space), but I self educated myself and got a career. I climbed the latter very fast and was doing great. I met a girl, got her pregnant, got married (in that order) and was very pleased with life and how I had turned it completely around.

Then something happened that changed me forever. I began working for companies that at the time just seemed like normal companies. Now I know that they were clandestine operations and when I realized that they also realized that I became aware of what they were up to. These companies are not just rich people scamming the people. They are doing things to control us further with these funds. I can’t prove that, but I know it’s true. Regardless they started spying on me and using local police to try and incriminate me. The Simi Valley & Thousand Oaks police department began using criminals to try and lure me to either sabotage me or get me to do some kind of criminal behavior. They even use my family members by making them believe they are investigating me for a crime (of a perverse nature) that I did not commit. They have tried probably no less than 80 attempts on my life in the last 4 years. About when they intensified their attempts on me is when I began to notice bizarre coincidences in life. Like something was trying to talk to me. I also started meditating and reading and searching. Around that time I also found that my faith was fake and so was my religion so I lost it. I emptied my cup and now it was going to be refilled.

Basically I woke up and TPTB woke me further, more than that I began to notice that something was looking out for me. Telling me that I didn’t have to worry or fear their attempts on my life and I would be protected. I’m saying that God began to speak to me through everything and everyone. I began realizing so many things about the world and my life. I get the feeling that I was being hunted before I even knew anything. Like that was the reason they hired a non certified or not traditionally educated programmer. It’s like if they were expecting me and wanted to kill me because of something I was going to do in the future. Now all of my friends have distanced themselves from me, the local police departments are trying to get family members and friends to kill or incriminate me after their initial attempts failed. They threaten people that are guilty of something and threaten to jail them for it or help them harm me. The people that are innocent are told I am being investigated for who knows what and lost alot of family that way. They have failed to kill me because the Creator has been revealed to me and I consciously serve the Creator in the only way I know how. I’m sure they have no idea what to make of me. I know what I need to know. I deny my ego and am given treasures that I cannot share and no one can steal. I have to walk a fine balance of faith and knowledge.

That is why I am blue. I was not given the best start and with help I turned it around and became a functional productive law abiding citizen with a positive outlook and altruistic nature. I have to live like a fugitive, but am not a criminal, nor guilty of any crime. Now my efforts are rewarded with hatred, betrayal and attempts of murder. It is so sad to not matter to a single person again, but I am so happy that the Creator has decided to give me the kiss of life and is constantly showing me mercy, and denying them their crime. Don’t get me wrong I am very comforted that the highest power loves me so much, but it sucks I can’t make the rest of you Z producing sheep see the truth. I am trying, but I realize that it’s about your point of view and intentions. If you care for your children you will look for what will help or harm them. Same is true for me. I care for humanity and want it to excel not in technology, but in positive relations. Because of that I see what is dangerous and good for you, but like children you don’t understand. I now understand that my destiny was to be overlooked and negated and overcome it. I started that way you know.

If I die it will hold meaning at least to me that I did not stop serving my master for the lack of my will. I understand faith now. I know what it means to have faith. It can’t be taught, it must be learned. Believe it or not this is extremely important to me as well. I know you (TPTB) think of our lives as insignificant and meaningless, but I strongly disagree. I will not leave this world without making an impression that changes it forever. You say I am a coward for not allowing you to kill me and to that I say you are truly the brave one. I live because I still have work to do for my master and I fear to fail him. You are all so brave as you have honorably united to kill me for your greed. I am a humble servant and still you are fruitless even with all your resource, dedication and authority and still, you do not fear my master. You are truly brave. See it’s not me doing all of this, it’s my master. You have free will, but despite your very impressive (not joking) efforts to have total control, you don’t. None of us do. I am not the judge and since you won’t listen I must show you. You will have to account for what you have done to us, but more for what you have tried to do to us. When I look back at my life I realize that I was made for something. I have a purpose and was created specifically for a reason that I don’t completely understand but it’s slowly being revealed to me and all involved.

I am sad that you can’t see what I see and that everyone is trying to kill me, but I am ecstatic that the Creator has been revealed to me, loves me and spiritually speaking has made me feel like a prince; you all make me feel like shit. It’s all very ironic. Funnier still is that people think killing me will be saving themselves, but the truth is that if I die, then doom will certainly come to you all. I am here to either help change or be the change of this world and for that this old world is fighting tooth and nail. She is a stubborn beast that will be broken. I feel like the diamond in the rough that can enter the cave of wonders and survive. My awakening has truly been the full spectrum of light and dark. It has been magical and the most enchanting experience that one could ever imagine. I am sad because I fear you will never get to know these treasures and gifts. I have been deeply hurt and even betrayed by the ones I love and trusted the most, but still I am able to see light and my heart is not rotten or wicked. My enemies tend to killing me while I see that they are fed and comfortable in my home. Who I was did not survive this experience, but I am now far above that man. You all forced me to kill me, my ego and not give a crap what programmed sheep think of me and for that I thank you.

Blue Bayou : Linda Ronstadt – Just one of those songs that remind you of when you were young and your soul was untouched by this world.

A Whole New World : Alladin and The Princess – This song really says it all.


Crystal Blue Persuasion : Tommy James & The Shondells – I feel like this song is coming true.

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